"When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the earth."

In this long summer of protests and counter-protests, I'm reminded of a guy who came to the Louisville Zombie Walk last year. He had a big banner with an exhaustive list of people going to Hell.

Here's the thing: he wasn't entirely wrong. Yes, Hell is full of idolaters, witches and atheists. Too full, in fact. That's the detail he missed. To alleviate Hell's overcrowding, I'm turning loose all the people listed on his sign -- the porno freaks, the ankle biters, the yoga pants, and so on. I'm releasing 40,000 undead onto Bardstown Road this Saturday night.

Don't worry. I'm only letting out the non-violent offenders and the non-public masturbators. This will be a safe event to which you can bring your family. We'll start at Mid-City Mall at 8:29 p.m.

Speaking of malls, did you ever wonder how long you could live at a mall?

This week's Thursday Thriller is Dawn of the Dead.

I know it's barely been a month since I wrote a piece in tribute to the late George A. Romero, but fully unpacking his legacy might take a while.

Romero wrote and directed this 1978 film about two TV station personnel and two police officers, who steal a traffic helicopter to escape the rising tide of undead cannibals in the inner cities. Because their escape plan isn't very detailed, they set down on a shopping mall that is still crawling with zombies.

Zombies love the mall! And who can blame them? A lot of people shop online now and malls are in decline; but in 1978, they were the coolest places to buy all the stuff. Such disparate commercial entities as pharmacies, banks, car dealers, sporting good stores and restaurants all commonly did business under one roof. These places had everything as they destroyed communities by sucking money away from downtown shopping districts.

So our crew's first chore is to empty the place of zombies and seal it off so more don't come in. Once that's accomplished, why would you leave? Even when their barrier is breached by a gang of vicious bikers, bringing in more zombies with them, our protagonists choose to stay.

As the sequel to 1968's Night of the Living Dead, I found a few things worth noting:

First off, the white people are a lot less useless in the sequel. Stephen (David Emge) can't shoot a gun worth a damn, but at least he can fly a helicopter. Francine (Gaylen Ross) is a far cry from the first film's Barbara, who could fall down and twist her ankle standing still on a basketball court. Francine asserts herself and helps the team make competent decisions. Roger (Scott H. Reiniger) is a good shot and can hotwire trucks.

But the black guy is still the coolest. Ken Foree plays Peter, the group's natural leader. He's on the SWAT team, his grandfather was into voodoo, and he knows how to perform abortions. At least he says so, but I see no reason to question him.

What else can I say? Tom Savini did the makeup F/X and played a biker. Dario Argento and Goblin did a lot of the music. Dawn of the Dead is a blistering indictment of consumerism, a big gory mess, and a highly worthy follow up to Romero's original zombie effort. It streams on YouTube.

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