"I guess I'm not used to being chased around a mall in the middle of the night by killer robots."

I'm sitting here, mortals, thinking about your holiday. I'm sure it has different meanings for each of you. Some of you are genuinely excited about eating turkey. Some of you just want to see your families. A ridiculously high number of you can't wait to get out and shop.

Even though many of you are catching on, there are still a lot of you caught up in the Black Friday scam. You can't wait to jab and elbow and trample your way to the front of the line. Some of you can't wait for a reason to use that pepper spray, maybe it's nearing its expiration date.

The reason you behave this way is obvious. You love violence in a retail setting.

That's why this week's Thursday Thriller is Chopping Mall.

This 1986 Jim Wynorski film is about some mall employees whose after-hours fuck party goes seriously awry when the mall's security robots spazz out and start killing.

Of course the company that sold the Protector 'droids to the mall assured all the merchants that it would be highly unlikely that the robots, equipped with tasers, lasers and sleep darts, would do any such thing. Their job is to incapacitate burglars and haul them to a detention area for police to pick them up. The salesmen also threw in some heavy, time-locked, blast-proof, steel doors that would keep anybody from getting in (or out) of the building from midnight til opening time.

A malfunction in the system would be as unlikely as their main sever being struck by lightning three times on the same night the guys at the furniture store convince the boss's nephew and trusted keyholder Ferdy (Tony O'Dell) to let in their girlfriends to test out the mattresses after the store closes.

Well, guess what happens?

One guy's girlfriend Suzie (Barbara Crampton) brings her friend Alison (Kelli Maroney) to introduce to Ferdy. They hit it off, but they don't get it on. They're happy enough to watch Attack of the Crab Monsters on TV. Everyone is safe from the robots so long as they stay in the store but then Leslie (Suzee Slater) realizes she's out of cigarettes. Shortly after, a Protector's laser explodes her head. Then the kids have to fight the robots by breaking into stores and using whatever they find guns, propane tanks, paint thinner. Lots of stuff blows up and catches fire. People die. Somewhere in there Suzie takes her top off. It's a lot of fun.

Chopping Mall is a silly, gory, independent, sci-fi/horror flick that I enjoyed quite a bit. It streams on Amazon Prime and YouTube.