"Want a date? Looking for some action? Need some company?"

It's Valentine's Day, mortals -- the day for the beautiful people who have paired off to agonize over what to buy each other, and when they finally decide, they rub it in the faces of all the lonely people.

Could your office mate be any louder when receiving those flowers? Sure, she's not yelling, "Somebody loves me. Don't you wish you were me?" but it's implied.

The big VD can be especially painful for those who have loved and lost. Maybe it didn't work out because you and your lover were incompatible or because your fiancee was brutally dismembered in a lawnmower accident. You can't eat. You can't sleep. You sit up all night thinking about what could have been. You bury yourself in your hobbies. You lose your moral compass.

Whatever your relationship status is, I want you to know I love you.

I don't mean it in that cheesy, unsatisfying "Jesus loves you" way. What's that ever done for anybody? It solves none of your problems and you don't even get off. That's right up there with getting a box of chocolates from your mom, except at least with mom, you still have candy to show for it. That's like the participation trophy of love.

No, mortals, I mean I love you in a romantic sense. I want to make love to you. We could cuddle after and watch a movie -- a love story.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Frankenhooker.

Frank Henenlotter directed this 1990 comedy about a failed medical student and electrical wiz named Jeffrey (James Lorinz) and his fiancee Elizabeth (Patty Mullen). When one of Jeffrey's gadgets accidentally kills Elizabeth, he keeps her head in a freezer full of purple goop until he can figure out how to bring her back to life. One night after scratching his brain with a power drill, he falls upon a plan to go into the city, kill a sex worker, and put Elizabeth's head on the sex worker's body.

But Jeffrey is indecisive. He can't choose just one prostitute, so he arranges with a pimp named Zorro (Joseph Gonzalez) to have a party with several girls so he can pick out one he likes. When it comes time to decide which one he wants, he instead freezes up with pangs of conscience. He tosses his bag of money at the prostitutes, and inside they also find the highly lethal blend of crack-cocaine he brought along. It causes them to explode. Moral conundrum solved: he now has lots of parts to choose from.

Frankenhooker is exactly as silly and dirty as you probably expect. Sharp-eyed nerds will notice nods to Henenlotter's earlier film Basket Case.

Frankenhooker streams with Spanish subtitles on YouTube.