"You put your hands on any of these little fillies and I'll personally change your vocal pitch!"

So mortals, are you sick of Christmas yet? Be honest. It's OK to hate it. It's too many sweets and worrying about money. It's feeling so stressed and overstimulated that you're numb to the ever-present singing of children. What's so great about the singing of children anyway? They have no idea what they're doing. And the small talk! It's the worst! The inescapable, mindless seasonal banter usually hangs on two questions:

Have you finished your shopping?

Have you put your tree up yet?

The implication of both questions is clear: If you haven't, you're clearly some kind of delinquent, a derelict, a ne'er-do-well who refuses to participate in the largest economic ritual of the year in a timely manner. That's obviously how the person who asks such questions would think if they were genuinely listening for an answer. Don't sweat it, they're not. They just want an opportunity to tell you they've already put up their tree and got their shopping done. They were finished on Labor Day and they've been telling everybody who will nod politely at them ever since.

It's enough to make you hang yourself with a rope of garland and colored lights. Don't be so drastic. I've got a movie for you that will, if not relieve the merry monotony, then at least contribute to it.

This week's Thursday Thriller is To All A Goodnight.

This 1980 David Hess film opens in a flashback to "two years ago" at Calvin Finishing School for Girls. It seems a bunch of co-eds were chasing another girl through the house that Christmas break. One of them was wearing a Santa wig and brandishing an axe. They chase their prey out onto the balcony and she takes a tumble to her death. Why she doesn't survive the fall is curious, considering she turned into a mannequin right before impact. Returning to present day (1980), we see school emptying out for Christmas break, leaving behind five girls, their house mother Mrs. Jensen (Kiva Lawrence), and their slow-witted religious nut handyman Ralph (Buck West).

Over dinner. with the chaperones out of the room, Leia (Judith Bridges) reveals the plan. Her boyfriend T.J. (William Lauer) is flying in with a bunch of his buddies for an all-night fuck party. The only one who thinks this is a bad idea is Nancy, played by Jennifer Runyon. You remember her. Bill Murray tested her for psychic powers toward the beginning of Ghostbusters.

Nancy's not wrong. You know how these things go - the fuck party gets off track because there's a maniac picking the kids off one by one with knives and axes and crossbows and the like. In this case, the maniac is disguised as Santa Claus.

It's not the best Santa slasher, but it's got weird music by Richard Tufo and some pretty good kills. Harry Reems is in it for some reason. To All A Goodnight streams on YouTube.

Remember, you've only got 11 shopping days left to buy Todd Merriman's Santa Claus meets Frankenstein for Amazon Kindle before Christmas. When those 11 days are gone, it will be after Christmas.