"A terrifying, centuries-old prediction foretold the spawning of demons on Earth."

Mortals, your dumb president screwed up all the traffic in Louisville on Wednesday, and many of you who thought you could find a way around got fucked up by flaming pizza.

It got me wondering, when is it going to be my turn to fuck up traffic? Then I remembered I'm unleashing thousands of undead onto Bardstown Road this Saturday at the Louisville Zombie Walk.

It's only fair. I'm more important than the president and almost as important as pizza.

Let's get in the mood by watching something gooey, melty and drippy, shall we?

This week's Thursday Thriller is Demons 2.

This 1986 Lamberto Bava isn't substantively different from 1985's Demons, except it takes place in a high-rise apartment building instead of a movie theater. It's even got Bobby Rhodes in it, except this time he plays a personal trainer instead of a pimp.

It seems Sally (Coralina Cataldi Tassoni) is just not having a good birthday. She has an "It's My Party And I'll Cry If I Want To" moment and shuts herself in her room to watch a movie about demons on TV.  The demons are pretty much the same things as zombies, except their teeth are sharp and they have claws. Anyhow, one of the demons comes out of the TV, Videodrome-style, attacks her, and turns her into a demon.

After that, lots of disgusting things happen. One of my favorites is when a baby demon tears his way out of a little kid's body.

I could go on in my critique, but there's not a lot to think about here. Demons 2 is a high-energy festival of gore perfect for the thinking impaired. Couldn't think of a better movie for your Louisville Zombie Walk pregame. It streams on Shudder.

"Tonight smells like another bloody incident perpetrated by humanity."

Sorry I've been neglecting you mortals. I've had to let this blog fester for a bit because I've been up to my horns in The Devil's Business.

My menagerie of evil souls, The Devil's Attic, opens Sept. 13 and I've got some new scares in store for you. And to tide you over until then the Louisville Zombie Walk is next Saturday. Yes, it's time to raise a little Hell.

Because it's Zombie Month, I've been rerunning some of my favorite zombie movie reviews over on my Facebook page, but I understand how trying these times must be for you without me telling you what to watch. You know, the kind of movies where your significant other walks into the room and asks what the fuck you're watching.

"Why are you watching that?"

"Because The Devil told me too."

I have just such a movie for you, this week. Yes, it's Zombie Month, but more importantly tonight is the full moon, so we're taking a little break from ambulatory deceased persons.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Wolf Guy: Enraged Lycanthrope.

Kazuhiko Yamaguchi directed this 1975 action thriller that stars Sonny Chiba as Akira Inugami, a crime-fighting werewolf who curiously never transforms. He is, however, an indisputable badass who has sex with lots of ladies and can kick gangster's asses with little more than a pocket of loose change. He gets stronger as the moon gets fuller.

One night a guy in the street died in Inugami's arms. He was babbling something about tiger's claws, hallucinating about tigers, and was shredded to bits by an unseen tiger claw-like force. Turns out the guy was in a band called The Mobs who had been gang-raping a singer named Miki (Etsuko Nami) at the behest of a vengeful gangster boss. One of the musicians gave her syphilis, so she put the curse of the tiger claw on all of them and took to singing about the curse at strip clubs while keeping her clothes on and upsetting all the patrons.

Then it gets weird.

Suffice it to say, Wolf Guy is a wild ride with all the funky, fuzzy wah-wah musical score you can handle. Turn on your lava lamp, kick off your shoes and dig your toes into the shag carpet for this one. It's perfect for the full moon. It streams on Shudder, with optional commentary by Joe Bob Briggs.

I'll try not to be such a stranger from now on. See you soon.

"He may get the blood, but I'll get the glory, and that fear is my ticket home."

Christians all over the world will gather and celebrate J.C.'s re-birthday this Sunday. Big deal. You want to know who rose from the dead way more times?

Jason Voorhees, a mentally handicapped child who drowned in a lake while camp counselors were off having sex, and grew up to be an unstoppable killing machine in a hockey mask.

And what about Freddy Krueger, the child murderer who was burned to death and came back as a dream demon to slash up teenagers with his finger knives in their sleep?

In honor of Easter, the coming of spring, and the general spirit of re-birth, this week's Thursday Thriller is Freddy vs. Jason.

The movie starts with Freddy (Robert Englund) feeling blue because no one remembers him, and if they don't remember him, they don't dream about him, and if they don't dream about him, he can't kill them?

You can relate, right?

So he needs to stir up a bloody panic on Elm Street by appearing to Jason (Ken Kirzinger) in a dream as Jason's mother, and telling him to go murder the fornicating kids there. Jason's rotting organs inflate and off he goes to do Freddy's bidding.

One impressive kill in a folding bed later and the teenagers start to remember Freddy, but the memory isn't strong enough for Freddy to do any slashing of his own.  Just as he's about to grow into his power and give Katharine Isabelle the claw, Jason runs her through with his machete, and causes a huge, fiery scene in a cornfield rave. Not only did Freddy not get his kill, but Jason totally stole the show, so now Freddy's pissed.

Horror fans seem divided on this 2003 Ronny Yu film. Some downright hate it, possibly because it does not definitively answer who wins. Those who did like the movie seem to disagree about the outcome depending on which villain is their favorite. The hotly debated final scene leaves room for a sequel which we never got to see.

All horror movies do that, though. Monsters never really die. My opinion is any clear victory would have been a disservice to either character. The point is the mayhem. As the scenes flip between the dream world and reality, you get to see cool stuff like Freddy bouncing Jason around the boiler room like a pinball.

If you're more of a Jason fan and have said, "Jason would tear Freddy's arm off and shove that glove up his ass," you get to see that, too, more or less.

My real question for the haters is if you ever really loved the Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th series, why would you pick now to start splitting hairs over things like good acting or a plausible story. It's an epic battle with mayhem all around.

Freddy vs. Jason streams on Netflix.

"Put the knife away, kid, or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your rotten skin."

This week, of all the mortals in the world, I'd like to address the Louisvillains.

Today the powers that be are closing the Second Street Bridge in preparation for Thunder Over Louisville, the biggest spectacle of fire and military might this side of Baghdad, and kickoff event for the Kentucky Derby Festival.

The Second Street Bridge, as it's known to locals to can't remember the difference between the Clark Memorial Bridge and the Lewis and Clark Bridge, may not yet be fully covered in butter-colored paint, but the city has definitely been cleaning up to make the place look nice for the 145th Run for the Roses. Namely, they destroyed a homeless camp at Jackson and Jefferson. City officials have denied it has anything to do with the Derby, but come on. We all know you can't have the place looking trashy when the Kardashians come visit. They might feel upstaged.

In that spirit of spring cleaning, this week's Thursday Thriller is Hobo with a Shotgun.

This 2011 Jason Eisener film was based on a fake trailer that played before Grindhouse.

In an almost spaghetti-western premise, Rutger Hauer plays a drifter who rides the rails into a town that's plagued by lawlessness and corruption. Our hobo arrives just in time to see the crime boss Drake (Brian Downey) have his pompadoured brother Logan decapitated. Logan is played by Trailer Park Boys's Robb Wells if that matters to anybody.

Drake has two sons Slick (Gregory Smith) and Ivan (Nick Batemen). They're sort of the Eric and Don Jr. of the operation. The hobo runs afoul of Slick by stopping his maltreatment of a prostitute named Abby (Molly Dunsworth). For his trouble Slick carves the hobo up. Abby lets the hobo stay at her apartment. They become friends.

All this time, all the hobo wanted was a little money so he could invest in a lawnmower and start his own business. He begs for loose change and ultimately eats a glass bottle for a guy who makes those bum fights videos. While the hobo is picking out his lawnmower at the pawn shop, some masked thugs try to rob the place. It is at this point that the hobo decides he's had enough, and instead gets a shotgun and starts turning bad people into big, 'splodey, gooey messes.

Of course he still has to deal with Drake and sons, who turn up their reign of violence and terror in retaliation.

Hobo with a Shotgun is a fun, gory movie with some great dialogue and over-the-top color saturation.  It delivers everything you might expect and more. I don't rank movies, but if I did, I'd put this one right above WolfCop.  It streams on Hulu, Hoopla and Shudder.

"Who is mad enough to enter that world of darkness? How about you, sir?"

What's the matter, mortal? Just not on top of your game, lately? Mired down in mediocrity? Punished so hard by the elements all winter, you're numb to the coming of spring? The appearance of sunshine and blue skies not exactly brightening your day?

You may be in a rut, but that's OK. You're OK. People might ask you how you're doing. Tell them you're OK. That's all most of them want to hear anyway. If you start going on about the warts on your feet or how you can't figure out what it is that's making your kid smell funny, you're just going to drag them down with you. They don't really care. They just want good news and the good news is that you're OK.

For most people, that is.

Some Nosy Nancies just can't leave it at that. Some of them don't believe you. Some of them feel it is their duty to be your personal cheerleader.

"How are you?"

"I'm OK."

"Just OK?"

Yeah pal, fair to fucking midland. Whatever. These people act like if you're not in a state of perpetual bliss, there must be something wrong. It's just not true.

You know what is true?

Sometimes it's OK to be just OK.

Take Tobe Hooper for example. In 1974, he shook up the world with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  In 1982, he smashed the box office with Poltergeist. In 1987, he released a fantastic remake of Invaders from Mars. Any one of these would be considered a stellar achievement in an average lifetime, but to pull off three? Ho ho! Let's be honest, Hooper made a few movies that were just OK.

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Funhouse.

Hooper made this OK movie in 1981. It starts with a girl named Amy (Elizabeth Berridge) washing her breasts for her first date with Buzz (Cooper Huckabee). Amy's folks don't like Buzz because he works at a gas station. They also don't want Amy to go to the carnival that's in town because the place is trouble. Instead of coming to the door and knocking, Buzz honks his horn in the driveway and Amy runs to his car. Off they go to the carnival.

On the way they pick up Amy's friends, who are vaguely sufficient. Buzz tells a joke. Amy doesn't laugh. He explains the joke. They get to the carnival and meander around. Buzz explains his dumb joke again. They waste some time at a magic show that has nothing to do with the story. Then they waste some time peeking into a striptease tent. It has nothing to do with the story either, but it brings your attention back to the movie.

Finally, Richie (Miles Chapin) has an idea that will put the plot back on track. What if they spend the night in the funhouse? In this case, the funhouse is a dark ride. They get in in the little cars, a guy in a Frankenstein mask pushes them on their way, and halfway through the ride, they get out to make camp. The guy in the Frankenstein mask doesn't seem to think much of it when the cars come back empty. The carnival closes and the kids start making out. They hear voices from the cellar. Yes, the funhouse has a cellar. It's strangely huge for a funhouse in a traveling carnival.

Down below, the guy in the Frankenstein mask (Wayne Doba) wants to have sex with the old fortune teller (Sylvia Miles). He offers her $100, ejaculates prematurely, and when she won't give the money back, he kills her. Amy and friends are witnesses. They might make it out alive, if no one calls attention to their presence by, say, dropping a lighter through a gap in the floorboards.

Oops.

The Funhouse streams on Starz. It'll help you kill 95 minutes or so. It's OK, and it's OK that it's OK, because most movies are OK.

"Now all the images of horror, the demons of your mind, crowd in on you to destroy you."

I have a confession for you mortals.

I am not real.

I am a figment of your collective imagination, a shared nightmare, an occupant of the shadowy corners of your inbred psyches. You made me up, you perverts. You called me up from the darkest recesses of your minds, recesses you don't want to even acknowledge possessing, the recesses into which you pour all your madness and hope it never overflows!

And now I'd like to tell you about a cool movie I saw.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Daughter of Horror.

A lot of mystery surrounds this 1955 John Parker film. For example, not a word of dialogue is spoken throughout. I'm not clear on whether they couldn't afford microphones or the cast had terrible voices.

The only one who gets to do any speaking in the film is the throaty-voiced narrator (Richard Barron) who takes you inside the mind of a deranged woman (Adrienne Barrett). The narration is primarily in the second person, so for the remainder of the film, you are the deranged woman.

You are haunted by a newspaper headline -- "MYSTERIOUS STABBING". Literally the newspaper floats on the wind and follows you through the grimy, neon-lit streets and alleyways populated by pimps, aggressive winos and blackjack-wielding thugs. Most of the men wear fedoras and just about everyone smokes.

Why is the stabbing mysterious? During one of your hallucinations the narrator, Slenderman-looking motherfucker that he is, shows you in the graveyard that you are the perpetrator. You stabbed your abusive father after he shot your mother. Both your parents are murdered and you're still alive. Surely, the police want to talk to you.

As a matter of fact they do. There's a policeman following you around, and he has the same face as your father. Why is that? And why doesn't he just bring you in for questioning as soon as he sees you instead of waiting for you to kill a fat guy then cut off his hand with a bigass switchblade?

My guess is because MADNESS!

The rest of the soundscape is filled in with music -- part traditional film score, part jazz, and part vocals that sound like the lady who sings on the old Star Trek theme.

Daughter of Horror is a hallucinatory noir thriller, heavy on atmosphere. Every scene could be the cover of a pulp magazine. It's very cool. It's very weird. It streams on Amazon Prime and YouTube.

"You think I don't know the difference between a wolf and a man?"

It's a full moon tonight. Let's talk about werewolves.

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Wolf Man.

This 1941 George Waggner film is a cinematic landmark -- the first watchable werewolf movie. It was preceded by 1935's painfully boring Werewolf of London.

Lon Chaney Jr. plays Larry Talbot, the prodigal son of Sir John Talbot (Claude Rains), a rich guy who dabbles in astronomy. Larry comes home after his brother died in a hunting accident and starts tinkering with dad's telescope, through which he spots a pretty girl getting dressed across the street.

The movie is a major studio release from the 1940s, so the voyeuristic moment involves earrings. Gwen Conliffe (Evelyn Ankers) is dressed from neck to wrists to ankles throughout the film. Still, Larry likes what he sees and ambles over to the shop Gwen works at to make creepily knowing comments about her jewelry, purchase a walking stick with a silver wolf's head for a handle and to get turned down for a date no fewer than three times.

Still, because it's the 1940s, when a woman says no, she means, "I'll be waiting out front with a friend at 8." It's like that stupid Christmas song people have been arguing about for the past decade.

So off Larry goes to the gypsy carnival with a gal on each arm. The other girl Jenny (Fay Helm) gets attacked by a wolf and Larry beats it off.

Er, I mean, he clubs it to death with his silver-handled cane.

Larry takes a fang in the process, and becomes the proud recipient of the curse of the werewolf. Bodies start turning up and as Larry can't account for his whereabouts he deduces he has something to do with it. Problem is, Sir John and his educated society friends won't hear it because in their rational world, lycanthropy is little more than a mental illness.

Chaney gives a great performance as a man condemned to kill, to live with the guilt, and no one will believe when he tries to confess. To our jaded modern eyes the transformation sequences leave something to be desired, but the end result is an iconic monster designed by Jack Pierce. There's also a balls-trippy hallucination sequence.

The Wolf Man is an undisputed classic. If you haven't seen it it's time and if you have, it's time to see it again. It streams on Starz.

Happy Full Moon.