"Nobody trusts anybody now, and we're all very tired."

A few weeks ago, I drew some heat for suggesting not only that The Fog was not the greatest movie of all time, but also it's not even John Carpenter's best movie.

I'm not going to commit to declaring the movie I'm going to tell you about as Carpenter's best, but I'd put it in his top three, maybe.

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Thing.

Kurt Russell stars in this 1982 remake of Howard Hawks's The Thing From Another World. Russell plays MacReady, a helicopter pilot attached to a U.S. government research mission in Antarctica. MacReady isn't as flamboyant as other Carpenter/Russell characters like Snake Plissken or Jack Burton, but he's still the kind of guy who'll dump his whisky into the computer that beats him at chess.

Wilford Brimley, whom you may know from "diabeetus", plays the staff medic Dr. Blair.

MacReady, Blair and company find themselves in a spot when a researcher from a similar, Norwegian research facility flies over their camp in his helicopter, firing his rifle at them, then crashing his chopper.

Then the dogs start to act funny. You always know something is up when the dogs are upset. One of them explodes in a splatter of blood, slime and wriggling tentacles. Eventually Blair figures out they're dealing with an alien life form that consumes and imitates its prey one-by-one, taking over the prey's form. His calculations suggest there's a 75 percent chance one of the crew has been infected, and if the life form makes it back to civilization, humanity's days are numbered.

So of course Blair destroys the helicopter and much of the communications gear. After that, it's time for everyone's favorite game, "Which one of us is the monster? (I know it's not me.)"

What I love about this movie is it aims both high and low. Rob Bottin created masterfully gory effects the like of which had not been seen before 1982. They really punch you in the gut, while the suspense of not knowing which crew member is the creature works your psyche.

The Thing streams on Starz.

"He's deformed, a freak. He looks like a squashed octopus."

Hey mortals, gotta keep it tight this week. Death has brought me a former first lady, a couple actors, a couple radio hosts and a wrestler, so I'm up to my ass in paperwork right now. I'm sure you can relate. Did they fix the IRS web site yet? I have some complications on some income I forgot to launder through the Caribbean. That's gonna take some thought. Fuck it, I'll just file for an extension and eat the penalty.

Anyway, judging from some feedback I've gotten on my Facebook page this week, a lot of you need to work on your sense of humor, so this week's Thursday Thriller is Basket Case.

Frank Henenlotter wrote and directed this 1982 horror/comedy about two brothers who can't stand to be apart.

Duane Bradley (Kevin Van Hentenrick) attracts a lot of curiosity from nosy neighbors when he checks into a New York City flophouse with a fat stack of cash and a big basket. How big? Bigger than a bread basket, unless you wanted to store a whole lot of bread, I guess.

Turns out Duane keeps his deformed Siamese twin brother Belial in the basket. They've come to the big city to murder the doctors that separated them and left Belial for dead in the garbage.

Since the operation, Duane lost the ability to communicate with Belial through telepathy, but Belial's psychic powers have grown stronger. He's also pretty effective at murder for a guy without a torso or legs, but apart from the hilariously gory killing, Belial is entirely dependent on Duane.

This causes a problem when Duane goes out on a date with one doctor's sexy receptionist Sharon (Terri Susan Smith), who appears to be wearing a wig for some reason.

Belial flies into a jealous rage and trashes the hotel room, attracting the attention of the aforementioned nosy neighbors. Duane realizes that Belial won't let him have a life of his own in an especially disgusting climax I'd rather not give away.

Basket Case is a must-see for fans of low-budget horror. It streams on Shudder.

"Would you be yourself if you looked like this?"

It's Thursday the 12th. You know what that means?

This week's Thursday Thriller is Friday the 13th Part 3.

Jason gets his trademark hockey mask in this 1982 Steve Miner film, which was initially presented in 3-D.

It's ostensibly about a girl named Chris (Dana Kimmell) who grew up in a house along the ill-fated Crystal Lake, moved away after Jason Voorhees (Richard Brooker) attacked her in the woods. She has come back to catch up with her boyfriend Rick (Paul Kratka) and to prove something to herself, whatever that means. Prove what? That you think having a basic sense of self-preservation is overrated?

Her motivation isn't quite thoroughly explored because, well, you know how these movies work by now. They had to give the fans what they wanted -- high body counts. A lot of characters have to get introduced and get dead in around 90 minutes and at least one of them has to get naked. So there's not a lot of time spent picking Chris's brain, not that we care anyway. She just has to bring the meat.

Chris drives up to the lake house with a van full of friends, including a pair of dope-smoking hippies, a guy who likes to take his shirt off and walk around on his hands, his pretty, also momentarily shirtless girlfriend, their friend Vera (Catherine Parks), and her blind date, a fat, kinky-haired horror nerd named Shelly (Larry Zerner).

Shelly steals the show with his tasteless murder pranks and self pity. He fakes getting stabbed, scares the hell out of everybody, and when they get pissed off at him for it, he blames it on being fat. Vera wants to like him, maybe even look past the fat and give the poor boy some, but then he keeps pulling tasteless murder pranks. You know people like this. You want to empathize, but you feel like they're trying to manipulate you into treating them with kindness. Gross.

Richard Brooker plays an interesting Jason, lanky and slightly hunch-backed, but he's not even the star of the movie. The star is the 3-D.

What other critics hated and I admire about the Friday the 13th movies is just how brazen they were. Thin on plot, long on senseless violence, a couple boobs here and there -- every single chapter was a cynical cash grab, so when they advertised their chapter 3 was to be in 3-D, you can bet they milked the hell out of it. I couldn't help but giggle every time they did, especially since I watched it in 2-D. Sure, you get pitchfork handles and Jason lunging at you. Yes, you get an old drifter waggling an eyeball in your face. But are you ready for the gratuitous yo-yo scene? Will anything I say here prepare you for the harrowing encounter with popping corn? I think not.

The kills aren't anything you haven't seen if you've watched the first two Fridays, but the goof factor of the 3-D kept it fun for me. Plus, it's one of the series essentials as it explains where Jason got his mask.  It's a good time.

Friday the 13th Part 3 streams on Starz.

"Are you weird?"

I'm in a bind because I'm way behind, so let's get to it. 

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Fog.

This 1980 John Carpenter film is a good, old-fashioned ghost story about pirates who terrorize a small coastal town 100 years after their ship crashed and sunk.

The tone is effectively set in the first scene in which John Houseman plays an old sea dog telling some young boys around a campfire the legend of the sunken ship off the coast of Antonio Bay.

Adrienne Barbeau plays Stevie Wayne, a radio disc jockey and lighthouse keeper whose sultry weather updates inform fishermen of dangerous conditions at sea.  On the eve of the town's centennial, Wayne broadcasts a warning of a mysterious, glowing, wind-defying fog bank to some drunk guys on a fishing trawler. The fog bank envelopes their boat and the ghost pirates awesomely murder everyone on board. 

About that same time, a guy named Nick (Tom Atkins) picks up a hitchhiker named Elizabeth (Jamie Lee Curtis) and the windows of his truck explode. 

Down at the old church Father Malone (Hal Holbrook) gets drunk and evades paying John Carpenter for turning off the lights. Then the wall explodes and he finds his grandfather's journal. In it, he discovers the town fathers murdered the pirates for their gold and because they were ugly lepers. As a result, Antonio Bay has a curse on it, and between the hours of midnight and 1 a.m. on the town's centennial, they fully intend on breaking every window in town until they get their treasure back. 

This one's not bad. Definitely an atmospheric piece. The fog looks cool and the ghost lepers remind me of the Blind Dead. John Carpenter's music always helps set the mood well for his films. The kills were a little few and far between for my liking. It's a good bedtime story.

The Fog streams on Shudder.