Do you mortals want to hear about some bullshit?
Every Thursday the 12th, I try to review a Friday the 13th movie. It's been a problematic run because a lot of times, two weeks before the big day, whatever streaming service has the movies drops them, because the last thing they'd want to offer their viewers is movies they want to watch when they want to watch them.
I thought Starz might be different, because it carried the bulk of the series forever, but alas I was wrong.
I wanted to tell you this week about Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter.
Every Thursday the 12th, I try to review a Friday the 13th movie. It's been a problematic run because a lot of times, two weeks before the big day, whatever streaming service has the movies drops them, because the last thing they'd want to offer their viewers is movies they want to watch when they want to watch them.
I thought Starz might be different, because it carried the bulk of the series forever, but alas I was wrong.
I wanted to tell you this week about Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter.
It's a good one. It's got Crispin Glover in it as a geek who can't get laid, and Corey Feldman as Tommy, a young boy who keeps spying on the older kids while they're skinny dipping and having sex. More like Peeping Tommy.
And of course two weeks ago Starz dropped the whole franchise...
Except for one film.
Except for one film.
We just have to make do and skip ahead a few chapters.
This week's Thursday Thriller is Jason X.
James Isaac directed this often maligned 2001 entry in the franchise.
A lot of Jason fans think this one is dumb, which I find odd because the series was at least five films past its prime by the time Jason X came out. How many times in a row can you tell the same story?
What distinguishes this one and no doubt fuels the ire of so many fans is it couldn't take place much further from good ole Camp Blood. Jason goes to space.
As the movie opens Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) is hanging in chains at the Crystal Lake Research Facility, waiting to be cryogenically frozen, but then David Cronenberg shows up with a bunch of green berets and says he's there to transfer him to another lab because his proven ability to regenerate damaged tissue is too important to stick in the freezer and think about later.
Rowan (Alexa Doig), who is in charge of the cryostasis, tells Cronenberg this is a bad idea and is immediately proved right because Jason has already escaped from his chains and killed a security guard. He proceeds to kill all the green berets. Rowan fights Jason into the freezer, but he stabs her through the door, triggering an automated lockdown and the two are frozen for 500 years.
In that time, the earth became uninhabitable and humans fled for another planet. Still, college students from Earth 2 come back from time to time for archaeological studies. One such class finds Jason and Rowan and decides to take them on board their ship.
Jason is so lethal he cuts one kid's arm off just falling out of the freezer. Luckily for the dreadlocked, stoner doofus Azrael (Dov Tiefenbach) nanotechnology is advanced enough by then to regenerate him a new arm once he's back on board the ship. This technology helps Jason out later on when his head gets blown up and he regenerates looking like a knockoff Terminator.
Also on board the ship is a bevy of midriff-baring space babes, who are just as horny as the kids back at Camp Crystal Lake. Some things never change. Even the android Kay-Em 14 is looking to get some.
Essentially, this movie is just Alien with Jason in the place of the xenomorph. The ridiculous premise allows for more comedic exploration of the killer than a lot of fans might be happy about, but I'd hardly call it a total loss. It's got a couple of my favorite kills -- one involving a vat of liquid nitrogen and the other occuring in a moment of self parody aboard the ship's Star Trek-style holodeck.
Give it a try. It might be as bad as everyone says, but you'll never know unless you take a chance.
Jason X streams on Starz.
This week's Thursday Thriller is Jason X.
James Isaac directed this often maligned 2001 entry in the franchise.
A lot of Jason fans think this one is dumb, which I find odd because the series was at least five films past its prime by the time Jason X came out. How many times in a row can you tell the same story?
What distinguishes this one and no doubt fuels the ire of so many fans is it couldn't take place much further from good ole Camp Blood. Jason goes to space.
As the movie opens Jason Voorhees (Kane Hodder) is hanging in chains at the Crystal Lake Research Facility, waiting to be cryogenically frozen, but then David Cronenberg shows up with a bunch of green berets and says he's there to transfer him to another lab because his proven ability to regenerate damaged tissue is too important to stick in the freezer and think about later.
Rowan (Alexa Doig), who is in charge of the cryostasis, tells Cronenberg this is a bad idea and is immediately proved right because Jason has already escaped from his chains and killed a security guard. He proceeds to kill all the green berets. Rowan fights Jason into the freezer, but he stabs her through the door, triggering an automated lockdown and the two are frozen for 500 years.
In that time, the earth became uninhabitable and humans fled for another planet. Still, college students from Earth 2 come back from time to time for archaeological studies. One such class finds Jason and Rowan and decides to take them on board their ship.
Jason is so lethal he cuts one kid's arm off just falling out of the freezer. Luckily for the dreadlocked, stoner doofus Azrael (Dov Tiefenbach) nanotechnology is advanced enough by then to regenerate him a new arm once he's back on board the ship. This technology helps Jason out later on when his head gets blown up and he regenerates looking like a knockoff Terminator.
Also on board the ship is a bevy of midriff-baring space babes, who are just as horny as the kids back at Camp Crystal Lake. Some things never change. Even the android Kay-Em 14 is looking to get some.
Essentially, this movie is just Alien with Jason in the place of the xenomorph. The ridiculous premise allows for more comedic exploration of the killer than a lot of fans might be happy about, but I'd hardly call it a total loss. It's got a couple of my favorite kills -- one involving a vat of liquid nitrogen and the other occuring in a moment of self parody aboard the ship's Star Trek-style holodeck.
Give it a try. It might be as bad as everyone says, but you'll never know unless you take a chance.
Jason X streams on Starz.
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