"He may get the blood, but I'll get the glory, and that fear is my ticket home."

Christians all over the world will gather and celebrate J.C.'s re-birthday this Sunday. Big deal. You want to know who rose from the dead way more times?

Jason Voorhees, a mentally handicapped child who drowned in a lake while camp counselors were off having sex, and grew up to be an unstoppable killing machine in a hockey mask.

And what about Freddy Krueger, the child murderer who was burned to death and came back as a dream demon to slash up teenagers with his finger knives in their sleep?

In honor of Easter, the coming of spring, and the general spirit of re-birth, this week's Thursday Thriller is Freddy vs. Jason.

The movie starts with Freddy (Robert Englund) feeling blue because no one remembers him, and if they don't remember him, they don't dream about him, and if they don't dream about him, he can't kill them?

You can relate, right?

So he needs to stir up a bloody panic on Elm Street by appearing to Jason (Ken Kirzinger) in a dream as Jason's mother, and telling him to go murder the fornicating kids there. Jason's rotting organs inflate and off he goes to do Freddy's bidding.

One impressive kill in a folding bed later and the teenagers start to remember Freddy, but the memory isn't strong enough for Freddy to do any slashing of his own.  Just as he's about to grow into his power and give Katharine Isabelle the claw, Jason runs her through with his machete, and causes a huge, fiery scene in a cornfield rave. Not only did Freddy not get his kill, but Jason totally stole the show, so now Freddy's pissed.

Horror fans seem divided on this 2003 Ronny Yu film. Some downright hate it, possibly because it does not definitively answer who wins. Those who did like the movie seem to disagree about the outcome depending on which villain is their favorite. The hotly debated final scene leaves room for a sequel which we never got to see.

All horror movies do that, though. Monsters never really die. My opinion is any clear victory would have been a disservice to either character. The point is the mayhem. As the scenes flip between the dream world and reality, you get to see cool stuff like Freddy bouncing Jason around the boiler room like a pinball.

If you're more of a Jason fan and have said, "Jason would tear Freddy's arm off and shove that glove up his ass," you get to see that, too, more or less.

My real question for the haters is if you ever really loved the Nightmare on Elm Street or Friday the 13th series, why would you pick now to start splitting hairs over things like good acting or a plausible story. It's an epic battle with mayhem all around.

Freddy vs. Jason streams on Netflix.

"Put the knife away, kid, or I'll use it to cut welfare checks from your rotten skin."

This week, of all the mortals in the world, I'd like to address the Louisvillains.

Today the powers that be are closing the Second Street Bridge in preparation for Thunder Over Louisville, the biggest spectacle of fire and military might this side of Baghdad, and kickoff event for the Kentucky Derby Festival.

The Second Street Bridge, as it's known to locals to can't remember the difference between the Clark Memorial Bridge and the Lewis and Clark Bridge, may not yet be fully covered in butter-colored paint, but the city has definitely been cleaning up to make the place look nice for the 145th Run for the Roses. Namely, they destroyed a homeless camp at Jackson and Jefferson. City officials have denied it has anything to do with the Derby, but come on. We all know you can't have the place looking trashy when the Kardashians come visit. They might feel upstaged.

In that spirit of spring cleaning, this week's Thursday Thriller is Hobo with a Shotgun.

This 2011 Jason Eisener film was based on a fake trailer that played before Grindhouse.

In an almost spaghetti-western premise, Rutger Hauer plays a drifter who rides the rails into a town that's plagued by lawlessness and corruption. Our hobo arrives just in time to see the crime boss Drake (Brian Downey) have his pompadoured brother Logan decapitated. Logan is played by Trailer Park Boys's Robb Wells if that matters to anybody.

Drake has two sons Slick (Gregory Smith) and Ivan (Nick Batemen). They're sort of the Eric and Don Jr. of the operation. The hobo runs afoul of Slick by stopping his maltreatment of a prostitute named Abby (Molly Dunsworth). For his trouble Slick carves the hobo up. Abby lets the hobo stay at her apartment. They become friends.

All this time, all the hobo wanted was a little money so he could invest in a lawnmower and start his own business. He begs for loose change and ultimately eats a glass bottle for a guy who makes those bum fights videos. While the hobo is picking out his lawnmower at the pawn shop, some masked thugs try to rob the place. It is at this point that the hobo decides he's had enough, and instead gets a shotgun and starts turning bad people into big, 'splodey, gooey messes.

Of course he still has to deal with Drake and sons, who turn up their reign of violence and terror in retaliation.

Hobo with a Shotgun is a fun, gory movie with some great dialogue and over-the-top color saturation.  It delivers everything you might expect and more. I don't rank movies, but if I did, I'd put this one right above WolfCop.  It streams on Hulu, Hoopla and Shudder.

"Who is mad enough to enter that world of darkness? How about you, sir?"

What's the matter, mortal? Just not on top of your game, lately? Mired down in mediocrity? Punished so hard by the elements all winter, you're numb to the coming of spring? The appearance of sunshine and blue skies not exactly brightening your day?

You may be in a rut, but that's OK. You're OK. People might ask you how you're doing. Tell them you're OK. That's all most of them want to hear anyway. If you start going on about the warts on your feet or how you can't figure out what it is that's making your kid smell funny, you're just going to drag them down with you. They don't really care. They just want good news and the good news is that you're OK.

For most people, that is.

Some Nosy Nancies just can't leave it at that. Some of them don't believe you. Some of them feel it is their duty to be your personal cheerleader.

"How are you?"

"I'm OK."

"Just OK?"

Yeah pal, fair to fucking midland. Whatever. These people act like if you're not in a state of perpetual bliss, there must be something wrong. It's just not true.

You know what is true?

Sometimes it's OK to be just OK.

Take Tobe Hooper for example. In 1974, he shook up the world with The Texas Chain Saw Massacre.  In 1982, he smashed the box office with Poltergeist. In 1987, he released a fantastic remake of Invaders from Mars. Any one of these would be considered a stellar achievement in an average lifetime, but to pull off three? Ho ho! Let's be honest, Hooper made a few movies that were just OK.

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Funhouse.

Hooper made this OK movie in 1981. It starts with a girl named Amy (Elizabeth Berridge) washing her breasts for her first date with Buzz (Cooper Huckabee). Amy's folks don't like Buzz because he works at a gas station. They also don't want Amy to go to the carnival that's in town because the place is trouble. Instead of coming to the door and knocking, Buzz honks his horn in the driveway and Amy runs to his car. Off they go to the carnival.

On the way they pick up Amy's friends, who are vaguely sufficient. Buzz tells a joke. Amy doesn't laugh. He explains the joke. They get to the carnival and meander around. Buzz explains his dumb joke again. They waste some time at a magic show that has nothing to do with the story. Then they waste some time peeking into a striptease tent. It has nothing to do with the story either, but it brings your attention back to the movie.

Finally, Richie (Miles Chapin) has an idea that will put the plot back on track. What if they spend the night in the funhouse? In this case, the funhouse is a dark ride. They get in in the little cars, a guy in a Frankenstein mask pushes them on their way, and halfway through the ride, they get out to make camp. The guy in the Frankenstein mask doesn't seem to think much of it when the cars come back empty. The carnival closes and the kids start making out. They hear voices from the cellar. Yes, the funhouse has a cellar. It's strangely huge for a funhouse in a traveling carnival.

Down below, the guy in the Frankenstein mask (Wayne Doba) wants to have sex with the old fortune teller (Sylvia Miles). He offers her $100, ejaculates prematurely, and when she won't give the money back, he kills her. Amy and friends are witnesses. They might make it out alive, if no one calls attention to their presence by, say, dropping a lighter through a gap in the floorboards.

Oops.

The Funhouse streams on Starz. It'll help you kill 95 minutes or so. It's OK, and it's OK that it's OK, because most movies are OK.