"Dog will hunt!"

I was making love to Stephen Paddock's self-inflicted gunshot wound last night, really reaming it out good, when the debate over gun control in America crossed my mind. Some have said you can't just make laws to regulate evil. That's what I've been saying for eons. Why even have penalties for murder or molesting children? All the laws do is drive those activities underground and thus ensure only criminals engage in them.

You have to admit it's a fair point. If killers are determined to kill, they'll find ways to do it. They could use knives, bows and arrows, swords, axes, hammers, icepicks, forks, spoons, sporks, or plain ole big, pointy rocks. Sure, to achieve any noteworthy level of success, a killer would have to be in fantastic shape, but who wants a bunch of strong, healthy murderers running around?

I'd like to talk about a movie in which a whole family of serial killers has managed to thrive in alternative weaponry.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

Tobe Hooper directed this sequel to his 1974 classic. In the 12 years since he first introduced the world to Leatherface and family, the world had met Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger. By 1986, with films such as Return of the Living Dead and Re-Animator emerging, horror had started getting intentionally silly, and Hooper definitely took Chainsaw down a more comedic path than its predecessor.

A leggy disc jockey named Stretch (Caroline Williams) takes a call on the request line from a couple of bro-douches who won't hang up their car phone. This was a huge problem in the 1980s because it would tie up the phone line. They call back later just in time for Stretch to hear them get murdered by Leatherface. He has a dead body strapped to his own and the effect is like a great, morbid puppet.

Dennis Hopper plays Lefty, a cowboy detective sworn to track down the infamous family of cannibals who killed his brother. He convinces stretch to play her recording of the murder on-air to force Texas to face head-on the evil it has been ignoring for over a decade. The recording draws the maniacs to the station and Stretch is confronted by maniac brothers Chop-Top and Leatherface.

Bill Johnson plays Leatherface, a mentally-handicapped killing machine who wears a mask made of the flesh of his victims. Leatherface experiences a sort of sexual awakening when he rests his giant saw between Stretch's legs, and has a final chainsaw showdown with Lefty toward the end. Jim Siedow reprises his role as The Cook and he wins the Texas-Oklahoma Chili Cook-off with his top secret recipe. He hints that the most crucial component to delicious chili is good meat.

The most outstanding performance of the movie belongs easily to Bill Moseley as Chop-Top, an all-around burnout and Vietnam vet with a plate in his head.

The film catches flak sometimes for being decidedly goofier than the original, but I liked it. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 streams on Hulu Plus and Amazon Prime.

Mention Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 this weekend and get $2 off admission at The Devil's Attic.