"She's a real carpenter's dream -- flat as a board and needs a screw!"

I've noticed that while this blog is proving a successful tool for stealing dozens of American souls every week, I'm also grabbing a few more from all around the world in the process.

This is exciting news! I fully expected I could rely on fatass Americans to sloth it up in front of their favorite electronic devices and fill their minds with images of gratuitous sex, violence, rape, murder, human bondage, animal cruelty, ritual sacrifice, cannibalism and exploding brains, but I never guessed they would be into those sorts of things in the United Arab Emirates. I considered that I would attract a few readers from countries where English is the dominant language like Australia and the UK, but did not predict my second-highest following would be in Germany.

I got so stoked I sent half the marketing department back to the Eighth Circle. Danke schön, and to my one reader in Iceland, tell a friend about the blog, will you?

I'd like to tell my international audience about a debate that's raging in America right now, if I could. See, some people think they were born with the wrong genitals and that makes a lot of other people mad.

So you get a lot of politicians saying, "We have to keep paedophiles out of the public restrooms where our children pee and poop," and instead of telling Catholic priests, prominent congressmen and sandwich salesmen which water closets they can visit, they make a bunch of rules about the people who are already frustrated with their naughty bits, which seems to make the people who are mad at those people happy, sort of.

I blame all this confusion on that capricious megalomaniac you mortals call God. After all, if you tell all the males they have to chop the tips of their penises off for 5,000 years, you're going to have some people feeling ambivalent about their special purpose.
 

Back in 1983 they didn't have such arguments in America. That's why this week's Thursday Thriller is Sleepaway Camp.

When this Robert Hiltzik film came out, the rules and roles were still pretty clear: girls couldn't drive motorboats and men dressed like men.

Sort of.

The story centers around a girl named Angela (Felissa Rose) who watched her father die in a boating accident when she was very young and was sent to live with her weird Aunt Martha (Desiree Gould). Martha sends Angela and her protective, foul-mouthed cousin Ricky (Jonathan Tierston) to camp for the summer.

At camp, the painfully shy Angela puts everyone on edge. How come she doesn't talk? Maybe it's because she has a goofy accent, but that doesn't stop anyone else in the movie from blabbing away.

Angela becomes a target for the paedophile cook, snotty bunkmates, abusive counselors and a lot of horny guys in tight running shorts. A fair number of them die, some of them in amusing ways.

 

Sleepaway Camp streams on Shudder and YouTube.