"Dead. Dead, all dead. He's killing them one by one by one like cows."

Look, mortals: all year round I seek out the strangest, sickest, most depraved films I can find and tell you via this blog where you can watch them online. I provide this service free of charge -- there's no advertising on my page, no subscription fees, nothing.

Except maybe for around Halloween time when I drop a couple references to my own live horror show, The Devil's Attic. It's a haunted house in Louisville, KY.  Then some of you get your panties in a twist about the overt marketing message.

Think of it like public broadcasting. You get free content, but a couple times a year they hit you up for money, and I'm not even asking for that. I'm just saying if you're in the Louisville area around Halloween and you like this blog, maybe a trip to The Devil's Attic is for you. Think about it -- that's all I ask. It's pledge drive, strap in.

I have so much fun at The Devil's Attic.

For example, last weekend I popped off my throne at this group and a mother yelled at her adolescent daughter to, "Stop being scared."

I informed the family that, "THAT IS THE SINGLE DUMBEST PIECE OF ADVICE I HAVE EVER HEARD! YOU PAID MONEY TO BE SCARED! LOOK AT ALL THE SCARY STUFF IN THIS ROOM! IT'S SCARY IN HERE! BY ALL MEANS, BE SCARED!"

Not only is it dumb advice, it's unhelpful. Why not tell the kid to lower her body temperature while you're at it?

I continued my introduction with multiple interruptions from Mama Dumbass, and though I admonished her every time, "Shut up, Mom, no one cares what you think!" she kept interrupting.

A lot of secrets were in play here, though. I was no longer interested in scaring or even entertaining mom, so she could interrupt me all night. What was fun was watching the twinkle of mischief in her child's eyes grow every time I undermined her maternal authority. My mission was to inspire teenage rebellion, and 10 to 11 years old is as good a time as any for a child to learn their parents are assholes.

Also, I saw no reason to scare the mother because she was clearly already frightened. Is there a more obvious, desperate grasp for control over a situation than yelling at a child for having emotions? Why would anyone need to exert that much control over another person and their feelings?

Because she herself is terrified.

We'll talk more next week about how people try to hide their fear by trying to control a situation, but now it's time to tell you about a movie, at no cost, because telling you about movies is a public service I provide.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Terrifier.

The debate among horror fans over this 2017 Damien Leone film is a hot one. A lot of folks seem to love it, and who can blame them? It's been decades since we've seen a slasher with an original, iconic look and Art the Clown (David Howard Thornton) fills the bill.

Art brutally murders just about everybody. That's it. That's the whole story. That's why a lot of other folks don't like it. No plot. No character development. It leaves so many questions unanswered, like, what's Art's problem, anyway? When Mike the exterminator (Matt McAllister) guides Tara (Jenna Kanell) to the bathroom in the vacant, dilapidated building, why does he put his earbuds in and go back to killing rats instead of seeing her safely out? Does Art work out, because when he saws Dawn (Catherine Corcoran) lengthwise in half with a hacksaw he doesn't even get winded?

For me, it kind of hit the spot. I've been feeling impatient of late and can't hang with the unrelenting cabal of moody, slow-burning supernatural thrillers.

The acting is decent, the photography is competent, and it's gory as all get out. Terrifier is a great movie if you just want to get to the kills already. It streams on Netflix.

Mention Terrifier at The Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off your admission.

"Well for me, the worst way would be for a bunch of old men to get around me, and start biting and eating me alive."

I want to thank you mortals for providing me with so much amusement. Sometimes I think it's crazy so many of you would pay to come to The Devil's Attic and put on little shows for me. The theory is I put up my little menagerie to entertain you, but I can't deny I appreciate the look on the face of a satisfied customer. 

Some of you come in with a dozen or so of your closest friends, and I have to practically pry you out of that first corner so that you can tumble down the hallway -- a high-velocity, jostling knot of jabbing knees and elbows -- toward the next corner, where you will crash and pile on top of each other to get away from me. Sometimes I have to remind people there's no running in the haunt. If it's a slow night I might see how long I can keep you in that corner, because it is absolutely hilarious watching your huddled mass regain its collective balance, overcome inertia, and start to build the momentum that will send you scrambling for that next corner, when invariably one of you will step on another one's untied shoelace. A couple more of you will faceplant, and the ball of panicked humanity rocks forth and back again while the guy at the bottom points out that someone is stepping on his face. 

That's when I lean in, pound on the wall inches away from the head of whoever's most upright and say, "NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAY!"

That usually gets them moving. 

This isn't every group, but on a really good night I get to see this show about a dozen times. 

I'll be talking more about my favorite haunted house scares as we get closer to Halloween, but speaking of great shows, I want to tell you about a zombie movie. I know I just talked for six straight weeks about zombie movies this summer, and I was going to be done with them until next summer, but I have to make an exception because this week's Thursday Thriller is Return of the Living Dead. 

This 1986 comedy by Dan O'Bannon takes place in Louisville and contains footage of zero identifiable locations in Louisville because it was shot in Los Angeles. 

It's about a gaggle of L.A.-style punk rockers who want to party with their friend Freddy (Thom Mathews), but he got a lame job in a medical supply company, so they have to wait for him in the nearby cemetery. One of them, Trash (Linnea Quigley) decides she can't wait to party any more, and in a highly sexualized monologue about being attacked and devoured by a mob of gross, old men, she tears her clothes off and starts dancing on tombstones. 

Meanwhile a guy named Burt (Clu Gulager) gives Freddy the grand tour of the warehouse, full of cadavers, both canine and human. Down in the basement is where they keep the olive-drab tanks of mystery gas that say "army" on them. While Burt and Freddy are farting around, a tank busts open and we find out what the gas does. 

It raises the dead. 

The problem starts with only one or two cadavers, but while Burt connives to cover his mistake the gas drifts over the cemetery, where Trash is still naked. Soon you've got zombies everywhere. There's a really cool looking one called The Tar Man. There's one who eats some paramedics' brains, then gets on their CB and tells dispatch to send more paramedics. 

"Wait, they do what?" you cry out pitifully. "Zombies can't do that." 

The influence of Romero's Night of the Living Dead is strong. Burt and Freddie even mention the film by name, but O'Bannon departed from the canon on a few main points. 

1.) His zombies can talk.

2.) Instead of hungering for human flesh, his zombies desire only the brains.

3.) Shooting them in the head doesn't work. 

As the throng of brain-eaters spills past police barricades, what are they going to do? Luckily, the Army has a plan.

It's a film made of great moments with a fun soundtrack. It's the ultimate punk-rock zombie party movie. It is a true classic. If you haven't seen it, it's time. If not, it's time to see it again.

Return of the Living Dead streams on Amazon Prime.

Mention Return of the Living Dead at the Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission.

"I told you not to go out tonight."

The time has come, mortals.

The time for craft breweries to start pushing nasty pumpkin beers.

The time for children, well established in their school routines, to start thinking about what they want to be on that magical night at the end of October, a night they transform themselves into supernatural creatures and walk the streets in search of things to eat.

The time to throw open the doors to my attic, and allow the public to witness my top shelf collection of evil souls. That's right, The Devil's Attic opens Friday night.

I'd like to tell you about a film that inspired one of my favorite exhibits.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Maniac.

This 1980 slasher film was directed by William Lustig. It's about a painter named Frank (Joe Spinnell) who copes with his childhood trauma at the hands of an abusive mother by killing women, scalping them, and nailing their hair to mannequins in his apartment.

Caroline Munro co-stars as Anna, a glamour photographer who might just have what it takes to turn Frank around and help him trust women again. After all, she survives the first date.

What sets Maniac apart from other slasher films is it actually has nuance. Spinnell, an accomplished character actor with roles in The Godfather and Rocky, helped write the screenplay. Frank is a layered character with a full range of emotions. He's angry, he's sad, he's remorseful. He can be charming and self-effacingly funny when talking to Anna. He is gentle when talking to the mannequins and can fly into a rage when murdering.

He also blows Tom Savini's head off with a shotgun.

It's a gritty, gory kind of film.

Maniac streams on YouTube.

Mention Maniac at The Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission. 

"For your safety, you should keep him away from booze and donuts."

Mortals, I haven't commented on your petty current events in a while because you've gotten way too weird. I mean, it's great fun, but there's no way I can keep up with it all in my once weekly writing cycle. It's all happened so fast.

For example, before Elon Musk donated a submarine to help soccer players trapped in a cave, he released a $600 civilian-model flamethrower. Do you remember that? Do you ever wonder what happened to those things?

I'll give you another example. Do you remember a month or so ago when you looked up Bigfoot porn, because what the fuck is everyone talking about? How many pages did you make it into Bigfoot Knocked Me Up: The Complete 10-Book Set by Carrie High?

Were you aware that Amazon also has plenty of werewolf erotica for your Kindle reader?

The movie I want to tell you about is not werewolf erotica, per se, but it definitely has its moments.

This week's Thursday Thriller is WolfCop.

This 2014 splatter comedy was written and directed by Lowell Dean.

The town of Woodhaven is getting revved up for its annual Drink 'N' Shoot, but when a local mayoral candidate who's sworn to clean up the town is found killed in an apparent cult ritual, the reckless redneck festivities are canceled. Also, a solar eclipse is coming up, and the last time the Drink 'N' Shoot was canceled, someone was murdered then, too, and there was also an eclipse coming up. That was 32 years ago  -- a strange coincidence as pointed out by Deputy Tina (Amy Matysio).

Deputy Lou Garou (Leo Fafard) had just been out by the murder scene the time before. There was a disturbance, kids making noise in the woods or something. He saw Terry. Everything went black. There were people in black robes and weird masks. Knives? Possibly.  Something happened to Lou, but he couldn't remember exactly. If only he hadn't been drunk! He decides for the first time in his career to crack open a notebook and actually do some police work... at the bar. He starts feeling woozy. He retches. He goes to the men's room to pee and there he turns dick-first into a werewolf.

It hurts at first, but later he has all kinds of fun. He stops an armed robbery by three men in pig masks, marks territory on some vandals, blows up a meth lab, and has a soft focus, softcore, Skinemax-style romantic tryst with hot bartender Jessica (Sarah Lind).

WolfCop is a silly, raucous, down 'n' dirty, gory good time. It's the kind of movie that will have you grinning as you watch, thinking, "Somebody made this. Specifically, a man named Lowell Dean was able to pull some money together, hire some people, and he made this. How in the fuck did he get away with it?"

WolfCop streams on Shudder.