Some of you come in with a dozen or so of your closest friends, and I have to practically pry you out of that first corner so that you can tumble down the hallway -- a high-velocity, jostling knot of jabbing knees and elbows -- toward the next corner, where you will crash and pile on top of each other to get away from me. Sometimes I have to remind people there's no running in the haunt. If it's a slow night I might see how long I can keep you in that corner, because it is absolutely hilarious watching your huddled mass regain its collective balance, overcome inertia, and start to build the momentum that will send you scrambling for that next corner, when invariably one of you will step on another one's untied shoelace. A couple more of you will faceplant, and the ball of panicked humanity rocks forth and back again while the guy at the bottom points out that someone is stepping on his face.
That's when I lean in, pound on the wall inches away from the head of whoever's most upright and say, "NO RUNNING IN THE HALLWAY!"
That usually gets them moving.
This isn't every group, but on a really good night I get to see this show about a dozen times.
I'll be talking more about my favorite haunted house scares as we get closer to Halloween, but speaking of great shows, I want to tell you about a zombie movie. I know I just talked for six straight weeks about zombie movies this summer, and I was going to be done with them until next summer, but I have to make an exception because this week's Thursday Thriller is Return of the Living Dead.
This 1986 comedy by Dan O'Bannon takes place in Louisville and contains footage of zero identifiable locations in Louisville because it was shot in Los Angeles.
It's about a gaggle of L.A.-style punk rockers who want to party with their friend Freddy (Thom Mathews), but he got a lame job in a medical supply company, so they have to wait for him in the nearby cemetery. One of them, Trash (Linnea Quigley) decides she can't wait to party any more, and in a highly sexualized monologue about being attacked and devoured by a mob of gross, old men, she tears her clothes off and starts dancing on tombstones.
Meanwhile a guy named Burt (Clu Gulager) gives Freddy the grand tour of the warehouse, full of cadavers, both canine and human. Down in the basement is where they keep the olive-drab tanks of mystery gas that say "army" on them. While Burt and Freddy are farting around, a tank busts open and we find out what the gas does.
It raises the dead.
The problem starts with only one or two cadavers, but while Burt connives to cover his mistake the gas drifts over the cemetery, where Trash is still naked. Soon you've got zombies everywhere. There's a really cool looking one called The Tar Man. There's one who eats some paramedics' brains, then gets on their CB and tells dispatch to send more paramedics.
"Wait, they do what?" you cry out pitifully. "Zombies can't do that."
The influence of Romero's Night of the Living Dead is strong. Burt and Freddie even mention the film by name, but O'Bannon departed from the canon on a few main points.
1.) His zombies can talk.
2.) Instead of hungering for human flesh, his zombies desire only the brains.
3.) Shooting them in the head doesn't work.
As the throng of brain-eaters spills past police barricades, what are they going to do? Luckily, the Army has a plan.
It's a film made of great moments with a fun soundtrack. It's the ultimate punk-rock zombie party movie. It is a true classic. If you haven't seen it, it's time. If not, it's time to see it again.
Return of the Living Dead streams on Amazon Prime.
Mention Return of the Living Dead at the Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission.
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