"Instead of a perfect human being the evil in Frankenstein's mind created a monster."

Now that was a Halloween for the books, right mortals? We processed more souls through the Devil's Attic than ever and I still had time to take the Antichrist out trick or treating.

My head is still pounding with the shrieks of the tormented, not to mention all the souls I snorted, so this week I want to talk about a movie that's quiet and isn't too long, a silent short, if you will.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Frankenstein.

This year marks the 200th anniversary of Mary Shelley's classic novel about a scientist who discovers the secret of reanimating the dead. J. Searle Dawley directed the first film adaptation in 1910 for Thomas Edison's production company. It is not the first horror film. Most say that honor goes to Georges Melies's Le Manoir Du Diable in 1896, though I think the Edison Company deserves a mention for the first simulated decapitation in 1895.

Director Alfred Clark's The Execution of Mary, Queen of Scots is credited with cinema's first film edit.

I'm drifting off topic and if I'm not careful I'm going to start rambling about 1903's Electrocuting an Elephant. Let's get back to Frankenstein.

In an absolutely disposable opening, we see Frankenstein (Augustus Phillips) wave adieu to his fiancee Elizabeth (Mary Fuller) and head off to college. Two years later, in another disposable moment of studying, Frankenstein discovers the secret of creating life. The boring parts out of the way, we're ready to see the apparatus by which Frankenstein does what he's famous for. With the flourish of a stage magician, he throws a couple explosive chemicals into an oven, closes the door and watches through a peephole.

The camera trickery in play looks a little primitive by our jaded modern standards, but was no doubt ambitious for its time. They clearly built at least one puppet, set it on fire, let it burn to ashes, then played the film backwards so we can watch flesh crawl into a bare skeleton as it sucks in all the smoke and flame. It looks pretty cool.

Then The Monster (Charles Ogle) emerges from the oven. Frankenstein is horrified by its large head, long hair and weird fingers. The Monster chases Frankenstein around for a few scenes before ultimately seeing how horrific he looks and dissolving. Frankenstein watches The Monster's reflection fade from the mirror and is left looking at who the real monster is.

It's definitely not the best Frankenstein movie, but undeniably the first. Frankenstein streams on YouTube.

"Death has come to your little town, sheriff."

Well mortals, we're coming up on the big day, the best holiday no one gets off of work for -- better than Flag Day, Arbor Day and
Valentine's Day combined. I am of course talking about Halloween.

I have to say we've had a good season bringing fear to those who need it at my menagerie show, The Devil's Attic. We've only got four more nights to go, so make sure you come see me.

In honor of Halloween, I've saved back a very special film to talk about.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Halloween.

A lot of people consider this 1978 John Carpenter film the first slasher, though some say it was actually 1974's Black Christmas. I happen to think slasher films were invented in Italy by somebody like Mario Bava. Of course, all of this debate ignores the early gore films of Herschell Gordon Lewis. Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho came out in 1960, as did the British film Peeping Tom.

None of this matters. The influence of Halloween on the slasher boom of the early 1980s is undeniable. It spawned a sprawling franchise of sequels, remakes and reboots, including a film last week whose opening weekend box office receipts broke the record for slasher films.

No one saw this coming in 1978. All Carpenter and his writing partner Debra Hill had was a simple story about an escaped lunatic Michael Myers (Tony Moran) returning to his hometown of Haddonfield, Ill., and stalking Jamie Lee Curtis, brutally killing off her friends.

Donald Pleasance gives an outstanding performance as Dr. Sam Loomis, Myers's psychiatrist, who is intent on chasing the maniac down and stopping his killing spree.

I've got a busy four nights ahead of me, mortals, so I'll spare you a full-on critique. After all, after 40 years there's not a lot I can say about this movie that hasn't already been said.

Halloween is an all-time classic. If you haven't seen it yet, it's time, and if you have, it's time to see it again. It streams on Shudder.

The Devil's Attic is open tonight, Thursday Oct. 25 - Sunday, Oct. 28. Mention Halloween at the ticket booth and get $2 off admission.

"I didn't sign up for a second-degree assault party."

I'll level with you mortals -- some of you are sexy as Hell. You should have seen this piece that came through The Devil's Attic Saturday night.

She wasn't even 5 feet tall and didn't even weigh 100 pounds. Usually I like my mortals with a little more meat on their bones, but here's what did it for me: she wasn't a day under 70 years old.

She was the kind of woman with experience. You know what I mean? And oh so close to death!

So I start putting on a little show of my demonic swagger, thrashing my tongue, thrusting my hips. You know, real sexy like.

Then this cockblocking douche canoe starts yelling at me.

"Hey buddy, that's my mom!"

"And?"

"That's MY mom!"

"So?"

I could have played this game all night, but more guests were on their way into the throne room.

What a selfish twerp, though! On the day of his birth he shredded this sweet woman's vagina. He spent the first year of his life gnawing her breasts raw. Let's not forget the countless nights she was too exhausted from taking care of his whiny ass to make love to Douche Canoe Sr.

And finally, in her dotage, she catches the fiery eye of a man of wealth and taste, and the devoted leech has to claim ownership of her sexuality.  Hasn't he done enough? This septuagenarian babe has needs!

Speaking of douches, this week's Thursday Thriller is Murder Party.

Jeremy Saulnier wrote and directed this 2007 dark comedy. It's about a dork named Chris (Chris Sharp) who intends to spend his Halloween alone at home watching some horror movies. But on his way from the video store, a mysterious invitation to a Halloween riding the October breeze rolls to his fate. He figures it must be fate, so he bakes a pumpkin bread, improvised himself a knight costume out of cardboard and duct tape and takes the subway to a bad neighborhood. Following directions he printed from the internet, he arrives at a warehouse wherein a group of pretentious art douches plans to murder him to impress a wealthy patron named Alexander (Sandy Barnett) so he will give them grant money.

Lucky for Chris, the artists aren't as smart as they think they are.

It's a funny movie. I laughed a lot.

Murder Party streams on Netflix and Shudder.

Mention Murder Party at The Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission.

"Be afraid. Be very afraid."

In case you mortals have any doubt, I am real. If you come see me at The Devil's Attic I'm going to move. After all, it would be a complete rip-off if you paid to get into the Devils Attic and the Devil  just sat his fat ass on his throne the whole time. I wouldn't cheat you on this.

Nevertheless, as obvious as it sounds some people like to tell their friends what's about to happen when they go to haunted houses. "That guy is real! He's going to move!" They say it as if they've solved some great mystery, as if their friends paid to hear them talk about how smart they are.

Why do people feel the need to play tour guide? Why spoil the surprise for their friends? If you've been following my recent comments on strange behavior of haunted house customers, you already know: because they're afraid.

Just like the mom who told her daughter to "stop being scared" these folks are looking for a way to control a situation. If you can give away all the secrets, there's nothing to be afraid of, right?

More importantly, they're afraid of looking foolish. They want everyone to know they're not so easy to trick. To those people, I have a question: if you're so smart, how do I still get your money? And why do you still jump like Hell when I move?

Anyway, this week's Thursday Thriller is The Fly.

David Cronenberg directed this uber-pukey 1986 remake of the 1958 monster classic that starred Vincent Price.

Jeff Goldblum plays Seth Brundle, a certifiable genius and incredible dork who is determined to change the world by inventing teleportation so he doesn't get car sick anymore. Geena Davis plays Veronica Quaife, a journalist Brundle convinces to come back to his lab to check out his invention. How many of you ladies have fallen for that one?

In what looks like a magic trick, Seth teleports Ronnie's stocking from one of his telepods to the other. No big deal. Later he tries a baboon and winds up with an inside out baboon. Then he tries a steak, but it doesn't taste very good, and from that he figures out the changes he needs to make to teleport the baboon's brother. Seems like mice would be cheaper.

While Seth and Ronnie are celebrating the success of the baboon experiment, Ronnie sees a piece of mail from her editor/ex-boyfriend and rushes off to break things off with him for good. Left alone, Seth gets drunk on champagne and tells the baboon all his problems. Then he decides to get in the teleport himself, but there's a fly in there.

At first Seth comes out none the worse for wear. In fact, he's suddenly good at gymnastics and can fuck for hours. He starts talking manically like he's on meth. He's got a weird patch of hair on his back. Come to find out the teleport has fused his DNA with the fly's, so he begins to turn into an altogether new organism, Brundlefly. This causes conflict in his relationship with Ronnie, especially when she learns she's pregnant.

As Brundlefly's condition deteriorates (or improves, as he sees it) his skin is covered with lesions, he has to vomit on his food to dissolve it before he can eat it, and his ears fall off right in front of Ronnie, again, just like he's on meth. In fact, I think the whole movie might be a meth-aphor.

The Fly is Cronenbergian body horror at its most commercially successful. Goldblum and Davis are great. The film is utterly disgusting and it streams on Hulu.

Mention The Fly this weekend at The Devil's Attic and get $2 off admission.

"The last guy I saw get kissed got stabbed in the head with two knives."

It's finally October. It's time to get out this weekend and go to a haunted house, specifically The Devil's Attic.

I've been giving you mortals guff over the past few weeks of how funny you act when you're scared. I'd like to continue this series tonight with a salute to men who use their girlfriends as shields. 

They wrap their arms around their main squeezes and whisper assurances of "I'll protect you, babe," and when the monsters lunge at them, they use their superior upper body strength to hoist the gals off the ground and push them toward the monsters. 

"Get her!" they yell. "Get her!" And they laugh and laugh and laugh. Meanwhile the girls are too busy screaming and thinking about what jerks these guys are to notice they are also cowards. 

We notice, though, buddy. You're scared. We see you, and to be fair, that is pretty funny. Your secret is safe with me.

Unless I don't like you. Then I will forewarn your date. 

Speaking of pretty funny, this week's Thursday Thriller is The Babysitter.

This 2017 comedy was directed by someone called McG. It's about a boy named Cole (Judah Lewis) who's such a pussy at age 12 he still has a babysitter. Her name is Bee (Samara Weaving) and she's hot. 

Cole has one other friend, the girl across the street. Her name is Melanie (Emily Alyn Lind). Melanie tells Cole that babysitters always wait til the kids are asleep and bring their boyfriends over to have sex. So that night Cole waits up to spy on Bee and discovers she's into devil worship. 

To survive, Cole has to overcome his fear of needles, spiders and bullies. He has to toughen up and learn to stand up for himself. 

I don't want to say too much and give the story away, but I was impressed how well every gag is set up in the movie. Pay close attention in the first act. It all pays off. 

In addition, it's got some good scares, lots of blood and Bee's fellow cult members are cartoonishly funny.

The Babysitter streams on Netflix.

Mention The Babysitter at the Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission.