"I didn't sign up for a second-degree assault party."

I'll level with you mortals -- some of you are sexy as Hell. You should have seen this piece that came through The Devil's Attic Saturday night.

She wasn't even 5 feet tall and didn't even weigh 100 pounds. Usually I like my mortals with a little more meat on their bones, but here's what did it for me: she wasn't a day under 70 years old.

She was the kind of woman with experience. You know what I mean? And oh so close to death!

So I start putting on a little show of my demonic swagger, thrashing my tongue, thrusting my hips. You know, real sexy like.

Then this cockblocking douche canoe starts yelling at me.

"Hey buddy, that's my mom!"

"And?"

"That's MY mom!"

"So?"

I could have played this game all night, but more guests were on their way into the throne room.

What a selfish twerp, though! On the day of his birth he shredded this sweet woman's vagina. He spent the first year of his life gnawing her breasts raw. Let's not forget the countless nights she was too exhausted from taking care of his whiny ass to make love to Douche Canoe Sr.

And finally, in her dotage, she catches the fiery eye of a man of wealth and taste, and the devoted leech has to claim ownership of her sexuality.  Hasn't he done enough? This septuagenarian babe has needs!

Speaking of douches, this week's Thursday Thriller is Murder Party.

Jeremy Saulnier wrote and directed this 2007 dark comedy. It's about a dork named Chris (Chris Sharp) who intends to spend his Halloween alone at home watching some horror movies. But on his way from the video store, a mysterious invitation to a Halloween riding the October breeze rolls to his fate. He figures it must be fate, so he bakes a pumpkin bread, improvised himself a knight costume out of cardboard and duct tape and takes the subway to a bad neighborhood. Following directions he printed from the internet, he arrives at a warehouse wherein a group of pretentious art douches plans to murder him to impress a wealthy patron named Alexander (Sandy Barnett) so he will give them grant money.

Lucky for Chris, the artists aren't as smart as they think they are.

It's a funny movie. I laughed a lot.

Murder Party streams on Netflix and Shudder.

Mention Murder Party at The Devil's Attic this weekend and get $2 off admission.