"What have you in your bowels?"

I cannot help but wonder, mortals, what obstacles you're willing to overcome for entertainment. I understand that some of you are willing to miss out on a gruesome Japanese flick just because you're put off by subtitles, while others will accept the sound of crying babies in the background just to watch in the comfort of your own home the latest cinematic release that someone shot on their phone in a movie theater in Beijing. I understand how little things can detract from your viewing experience while you can overlook others.

I dug deep on YouTube this past week to find a movie for you mortals. I spent hours poring over renders of dubious quality and even more questionable legality. I watched Vincent Price in Cry of the Banshee with Greek subtitles. I tried to enjoy Christopher Lee in The Devil Rides Out with dialogue overdubbed in Russian. I'm not ruling these movies out for future review, but I'm going to hold out until more palatable presentations are available.

I see no reason to hesitate in suggesting the movie I want to talk about, though, because its present format, ripped from a VHS tape with Spanish subtitles, complete with anti-piracy notice up front, is the perfect context in which to enjoy this film.

This week's Thursday Thriller is The Brotherhood of Satan. 

Strother Martin stars in this 1971 Bernard McEveety film. It's about a couple, Ben (Charles Bateman) and Nicky (Ahna Capri), who are trying to take Ben's daughter K.T. (Geri Reischl) for a birthday visit to grandma's. Grandma apparently lives on the ass end of nowhere, and en route they happen upon a horrific crash and rush into the town of Hillsboro to report it to the sheriff (L.Q. Jones) who appears to have a piece of taxidermy attached to his head. The family is then attacked by a mob and have to burn rubber out of town to escape. Once clear of the pitchfork-wielding rubes, they swerve to miss a child standing in the middle of the highway and have to hike back to town for help.

They soon find a whole family smothered to death with plastic bags on their heads and have to talk to the sheriff again. As the plot unravels, we find that a cult of old people have been abducting Hillsboro's children to raise them as devil worshippers.

I'll be honest: this movie is all over the place. A car gets crushed by a tank in the first scene. An old lady gets ripped apart by her fellow cult members. Nicky has a balls-trippy nightmare. K.T. is the guest of honor at a Satanic birthday party. It's never very clear what exactly is going on, but it is a heaping helping of "what the fuck did I just watch?" which is my favorite genre of film lately. Plus, if you're paying close attention to the subtitles, you can brush up on your Spanish.

The Brotherhood of Satan streams on YouTube, as "la hermandad de satan."