The movie I'm going to tell you about this week has the audacity to allege that I am the father of Santa Claus. That is absolutely ridiculous because I'm a big fan of getting that money shot. Everyone knows I always pull out, except for maybe with Rosemary or with Damien's real mom or with all those other women with whom I tried to sire the Antichrist. OK, you know what? You get me a sample of Santa Claus's DNA and we'll take the case to Maury.
This week's Thursday Thriller is Santa's Slay.
This 2005 comedy by writer/director David Steinman would have you believe that jolly, old Saint Nick is my son. The film's standout exposition sequence, a Rankin-Bass- style claymation flashback, explains that Santa was a demon who loved to torture and kill elves, but an angel disguised as an old man challenged him to an impromptu curling match. The bet was if Santa lost he would have to spend the next thousand years giving presents to children on Christmas.
The bet expires and Santa gets back to his evil roots. He sets Fran Drescher's hair on fire, uses a tree topper as a shuriken and burns down a strip club -- it's total mayhem.
Former NFL defensive tackle and WCW wrestling champion Bill Goldberg plays Santa, Dave Thomas plays a corrupt pastor, and Lost's Emilie de Ravin is the leading lady. Other familiar faces include Robert Culp, Rebecca Gayheart, Chris Kattan and James Caan.
It's a silly movie chock full of corny jokes and wrestling fan service. You'll probably like it if you enjoyed Jack Frost.
Santa's Slay streams on YouTube with Russian subtitles. The sound quality isn't the greatest so unless you read Russian, crank it up.
And if you want to read a Christmas story, I really can't recommend enough Santa Claus Meets Frankenstein by Todd Merriman.
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