"Ask not what your rest home can do for you, but what you can do for your rest home."

While you mortals have been tearing at each other this week about who was the bigger asshole in front of the Lincoln Memorial on Saturday...

While you watched unblinkingly through a 2-minute, 9-minute, and nearly 2-mother fucking-hours long video of people yelling at people...

wondering the whole time, "Who's the asshole?
"Is it the Catholic kid, or the Red Indian?"
"Gotta be the Catholic kid, right?"
"Oh wait, it's the Black Hebrews!"
"What the fuck is a Black Hebrew?"
"Black Israelites."
"What?"
"They're called Black Israelites."
"Oh wait, They're called the Black Hebrew Israelites. They're the BHIs."
"They're a bunch of BHI-itches!"...

I mean, seriously, there are more cuts of this film than Blade Runner, and a major news story slid right past you.

Who cares about that anyway? Whatever awful thing supposedly crawled out of that kid's mouth only did so because it had been fucked down his throat by a priest. That's hardly even news. Check this out!

A Colorado man was sexually assaulted by Bigfoot.

Darrel Whitaker, 57, of Glenwood Springs, told police and wildlife officials he was walking to his hunting cabin when a hairy, 8-foot-tall creature laid him out with one punch and began tearing his pants off. According to worldnewsdailyreport.com, Whitaker was able to stab the beast and run away.

Why did the mainstream media miss this story?

Because it's made up. World News Daily Report describes its content as satirical., but that hasn't stopped at least three mortals this week from repeating their stories as fact. We could spend all day debating the definition of satire, but I think of it more as an online tabloid whose stories hearken back to the glory days of the Weekly World News, which kept supermarket shoppers abreast of Elvis sightings throughout the 1980s and 1990s. They're still in business, but they're not like they were in their heyday. It looks like their last Elvis story appeared in 2012.

I'd like to tell you about a movie that keeps that tradition alive.

This week's Thursday Thriller is Bubba Ho-Tep.

This 2002 character-driven comedy was directed by Don Coscarelli and based on the short story by Joe R. Lansdale. In a plot worthy of the Weekly World News, Elvis Presley and John F. Kennedy are still alive in an East Texas nursing home and they have to kill a butthole-sucking, cowboy mummy.

Bruce Campbell plays Presley, or maybe he plays Sebastian Haff. Like all the denizens of the Shady Acres Rest Home, he might be a little confused. His story is that he is Elvis, and in a plot to escape the trappings of fame, he switched places with an Elvis impersonator named Sebastian Haff. They had a contract that stipulated any time Elvis wanted to come back he could, but it was lost in a fire.

While Haff took up the overwhelming lifestyle of being Elvis, Presley enjoyed the more relaxed career path of impersonating himself, and thus finding himself, until the day he fell off a stage, broke his hip, got an infection, and slipped into a coma.

No one believes him except Jack (Ossie Davis). Jack also believes that he is President John F. Kennedy. Jack claims that after the assassination The Powers That Be preserved his brain in a jar and it now resides in The White House, where it's connected to a battery. They filled his head with sand and dyed him black.

Elvis thinks Jack is crazy. Jack thinks Elvis was in on the assassination plot, but they have to put their differences aside because a scarab beetle is scuttling around the nursing home late at night, shapeshifting into a mummy in a cowboy hat, and sucking the old folks' souls out through their buttholes. They have to stop the mummy themselves, because the authorities wouldn't believe them.

It's tricky to distinguish between truth and delusion in this twisted tale, and that's what I like about it. Is Haff really Presley? Is Jack really JFK? Is there really even a mummy? Does it matter? Does anything matter?

This last question is of thematic significance as Elvis finds himself in an existential quandary: Once he had everything anyone could want, but he gave it up for all he really needed, but he lost even that anyway. As he lies in a rest home, forgotten, alone, unvalidated in his identity, impotent, watching everyone around him die of waiting to die, he feels life is futile, but through the mystery of the mummy, Elvis finds purpose and regains the ability to get an erection.

Almost forgot to mention that this movie wallows gloriously in dick and poop jokes.

Bubba Ho-Tep streams on Hoopla,