"I was having an hallucination..."

I was looking for a good Santa movie to tell you guys about, and I thought I found the perfect gift. I had picked out Christmas Evil because IMDb told me it streamed on Amazon Prime for zero extra dollars and zero extra cents, but when I logged into Amazon Prime, it wanted to charge me an extra $2.99 to watch the movie.

So very typical. I love using IMDb as a research tool, but it will only tell you if a movie is available on Amazon. The words Netflix and Hulu do not exist on that site. Something shady is afoot, like an exclusive sponsorship.

It's not like I can't afford the $2.99, but I'm not here to recommend movies that cost more. I'm here to help you get the most for your streaming video dollar.

So I had to do some last minute shopping to deliver you a good Santa movie, and I wound up watching Santa Sangre on Hulu Plus. It stars Axel Jodorowsky, Blanca Guerra and Guy Stockwell. None of these people play Santa Claus.

This 1989 effort by Chilean filmmaker Alejandro Jodorowsky is a weird one,  and not just because good ole Father Christmas appears nowhere in it.

It's a surreal nightmare about the inevitability of damnation... I think.

What it's literally about is a guy named Fenix (Axel J.) who lives in a mental institution. After all, you're bound to be a little screwed up when you're raised in the circus. When your mom is the head of a religious cult whose baptismal rites involve dunking young acolytes in a pool of blood, that doesn't help, either.

It's a textbook case of watching your favorite elephant die, blood pouring all out the poor thing's trunk, and after the funeral, where a lot of clowns were sad, your dad gives you your first tattoo with a throwing dagger, and outside the smiles and gestures of a deaf-mute clown, that's the most genuine show of affection you're going to get for the rest of your life.

What I'm trying to say is,Santa Sangre could be a statement on the conflict of man's dual natures, and the struggle to balance the need to be a devout son and Christian, and the compulsion to whoremonger. 

It might instead be about one man's difficulty finding and maintaining a healthy relationship with a woman, because his dad cheated on his mom, then cut off her arms, then slit his own throat; made all the more difficult because mom is jealous and domineering, psychically takes control of the man's arms, and forces him to kill everyone he tries to hook up with.

There's a lot of opportunity for interpretation, so if you're writing an undergraduate thesis, I'm pretty sure any old bullshit you wanna throw at the wall will stick. To be honest I was confused about the absence of Kris Kringle the whole time.

So no Santa, but it does have a lot of things you may never have known you needed to see in a movie. 

For example: 

1.) Some clowns and a heavily-tattooed woman with a big booty

2.) Some coked-up special people, prostitutes, and a pimp with a boombox

3.) A bunch of naked, undead women in bridal veils

4.) Strange, religious imagery

5.) More strange, religious imagery

I recommend checking this movie out at least once, with the lights out, with the phone off, with a strict rule that everyone in the house remain quiet. Make sure you've had plenty of rest. Pop your popcorn and go to the bathroom in advance. Take your shoes off. Get comfy. If your home theater has a door, hang a sign on it that says, "Watching a disturbing, Chilean art film. Please do not disturb further." Then close the door.

Or you could just have it on in the background a whole bunch of times and see something new every time you play it. Personally, I like maintaining a little mystery about what the hell is going on on my TV. That's why I still haven't watched the companion documentary, Forget Everything You Have Ever Seen: The Making Of Jodorowsky's Santa Sangre, also available on Hulu Plus.

That's because I don't always have to understand things to enjoy them, and neither should you. I mean, obviously, I got it, but I don't want to spoil the journey for you by explaining everything. At the very least, Santa Sangre is a puzzle for your mind that's a lot of fun to look at. So look at it. It's also worth talking about, so leave your thoughts in the comments section. Maybe you can tell me where Santa is.