It's been a hectic week, mortals. The re-ignited gun debate in the States has everyone at each other's throats, which I love, but has kept me pretty busy. I'm having the throne room remodeled, so the place is a mess. My legion of demons has been doing a hell of a job tormenting the damned, but the screaming, wailing and shrieking in pain and terror have reached a new fever pitch, so it's been hard to concentrate on anything. The racket, if it's not too on-the-nose to say so, has been infernal.
I'm not complaining. These are good problems to have. I'm just trying to explain the context in which I too hastily chose the movie I'm going to tell you about.
This week's Thursday Thriller is A Virgin Among the Living Dead.
This 1973 Jesus Franco film is not very good at all. In fact, according to IMDb, Rolf Hahn and Ronald M. Giesen listed it among the worst movies of all time. I didn't think it was quite that bad. It definitely has its moments, but waiting for those moments -- whoof!
It's about a girl named Christina (Christina Von Blanc) who goes to visit family for the reading of her father's will. She arrives just in time for one of her aunts to die. Her Uncle Howard (Paul Muller) plays the piano and has a sexy mistress named Carmence (Carmen Yazalde). Franco himself plays the family's maniac servant Basilio, and he looks almost exactly what you'd expect a guy who makes softcore zombie porn to look like.
Did I mention this movie is softcore zombie porn? Sorry, the screams of damned are really distracting. The zombies don't really show up until the last 30 minutes or so, but the porn kicks off pretty early. Christina watches Uncle Howard and Carmence having sex, then sleeps in the nude. In the morning she decides to go skinny dipping.
The first hour kind of drags, but the final act is where everything goes nuts. Zombies climb up out of the ground and chase Christina and sexually assault her, or maybe they don't. Maybe it's all in her head. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I was dreaming. It might explain why I had trouble staying awake.
It's not a total waste. The women are beautiful. You see Uncle Howard's dick. Bruno Nicolai's soundtrack is cool. I just prefer to write about movies you have to see. See this one if you're bored, or not. I'll to do better next week.
A Virgin Among the Living Dead streams on Shudder and YouTube.
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